14 weeks in review!

It's official! Ryan and I are expecting twins this fall! After a year and a half of trying for a little one, we were frustrated and concerned that it just wasn't going to happen for us. But, as it turns out, we did have some luck coming our way!

We started IVF in early February, stimmed on medications for just a little more than a week, had our retrieval on Feb. 16 and had two beautiful little embryos transferred on February 19. Then it was a tortuous 10 days of waiting with trying to stay positive and still be realistic about our chances. On March 1st we got our first ever positive home pregnancy test. I had all these plans in mind for how to tell Ryan, but when it actually came down to it, all I could really do was just blurt it out. Guess that's what happens when you've been waiting for so long! I just remember looking at the test and being blown away. It was 4 days earlier than my doctor wanted us to do a blood test, so I really wasn't expecting it to come up positive. I just needed to give it a try to see if it might, by chance, be positive so that Ryan and I could celebrate before I went out of town for work.

The next step was our beta blood test, which I did (in Chicago) on March 4. The first number came back at 719. Generally they're looking for over 100 to confirm pregnancy. So, I was definitely very pregnant! The doctor cautioned that it could be one very strong embryo or twins. They did a second beta (still in Chicago) on March 6 and my numbers came back at 1538. They're supposed to double every 48 hours, so this was just slightly better than that. Since numbers often triple when you're pregnant with more than one, this left us a little uncertain of a singleton or twins.

We had our first ultrasound on March 14 and were able to see two gestational sacs (after some looking around). AND at 5.5 weeks pregnant, we were able to see a heartbeat in one of the sacs. I was pretty blown away by that! At our second ultrasound on March 18th, we could see both babies heartbeats.

Then it became real... we were actually expecting twins.As excited as we were, I was a bit of a nervous wreck about the whole idea. You kind of plan your life around 1, and then the 2nd pops up and all the concerns you had worked through about time, money, etc comes up all over again. Now at nearly 14 weeks (tomorrow!) we've pretty much fully adjusted to the idea of twins, but there are still moments of panic. (I'm sure those will continue to come and go in the coming months!)

In April we were turned over to my regular OB-GYN and after a lot of reading and soul-searching, I decided that I felt like we needed to begin seeing a specialist. I like my regular OB just fine, but he's a very relaxed individual and I just didn't feel 100% at ease with his recommendations.

This past Tuesday I saw a perinatologist who I feel much more sure about. He keeps a much closer eye on things and spent a ton of time talking through possible complications, things to look for, etc. I just feel like we worked so hard for these babies, I just want to be sure that someone is really watching out for them. I'd probably feel this way about any pregnancy, but I need the extra reassurance right now.

There are still plenty of things I'm worried about, but each week it becomes more real and I feel like we're getting closer and closer to these little miracles joining us.

I had about a month of 24-7 nausea that I was sure would never end, but thankfully it did. Now I'm mostly just experiencing "growing" pains, muscle aches, and an overwhelming exhaustion most of the time, but all in all, feeling pretty good.

Always the planner, I'm constantly thinking about things like, what if I have to go on bed rest (or rather, when I have to go on bed rest...), preterm labor, what needs to get done and by when, c-sections and more, but at the same time, I feel pretty at peace and happy. I think planning is my calming mechanism.

We're currently looking into daycare options and while I'm constantly blown away by the prices, I think we're working our way into finding some options that may be good fits. It's probably unlikely that we will end up going with a daycare center due to the tremendous costs of having two infants in them, but we're looking at nannies and other in-home daycare options.

My official due date is November 9, but the doctor expects me to deliver by October 26 (38 weeks). I can only hope we make it that long! 35 weeks is average so we'll see what happens!

So without further adieu, here's their 12 week ultrasound pictures!

Happy spring!

We were lucky enough to have a warm, beautiful day last weekend. Unfortunately, it was followed by a snow storm on Sunday, but we got to get out on Saturday and enjoy! Purina Farms was having their Spring Festival and we got to pet and play with lots of baby animals. My kind of day!

3 week old piglets. Emmy was ready to climb right in.

Emmy was WAY in to watching and petting all the animals.

Deep conversations.

Hoppy Easter!

What a week....

Last week was, well, just crazy. On Monday morning I got the call that I had been dreading. Grandma Deetz had passed away. We knew it was coming. She had end-stage lung cancer and had been getting weaker. But I had spoken with her on Saturday and while she said she just felt "off", she sounded pretty good. I was hopeful that she would be able to make it a bit longer. However, I know beyond all else, she did not want this to be a long, drawn-out illness. And so when I learned that she had passed away peacefully in her sleep, in her own bed, in her own house, I knew that's how she would have wanted it. While that does make it easier, it's still just hard to believe she's not here anymore.

Ryan and I drove up to her house on Monday night and spent some time there on Tuesday sorting pictures and seeing the family that was already in town. I'm really glad we were able to make the quick trip and see some of the family. I did keep expecting Grandma to show up while I was going through pictures, but mostly it was just nice to be there, surrounded by "her."

What will I miss most? Probably the conversations. Grandma was great at being able to fill hours with random conversations, stories of shopping at Macy's, people at church, about her and Grandpa.... She was just so easy to be with and so full of love, and at the same time, spunk. I'm not sure what else to call it. :-)

Unfortunately we couldn't stay for the actual services because I was in my egg retrieval week and was having daily ultrasounds. It felt weird to not be there, but I know Grandma would have wanted us to continue on.

And continue on we have. On Saturday we had our egg retrieval and they were able to get 11 eggs. Of those, 8 were mature and 6 fertilized. I don't really have anything to compare these numbers to, but I think this is decent. We haven't heard anything yet today (on whether they are still developing appropriately, etc), but we are scheduled for an embryo transfer tomorrow morning. We were told they will go over our embryo grades with us then and go from there. I suspect some/several may not continue dividing, but we really only need one or two good ones, so keeping our fingers crossed. And after that... it's just more waiting. We'll do a blood pregnancy test about 14 days after the transfer. I think the two week wait will be the hardest for me, but that's pretty much true of any two week wait. This time I will just have the pleasure of continuing daily injections throughout the wait. Joy. Of course, if it results in a baby, it's a small price to pay! While I certainly don't feel 100%, I don't feel too bad and think a lot of my general feeling less than stellar is due to a nasty head cold I've developed. So, if we have to go through this again, at least I will know better what to expect and that all the needles really aren't that bad.

And, in the midst of these two major events, Ryan was offered and accepted a new job. We're both super excited about it so it was definitely a good thing, but did add yet another dimension to the craziness of last week. I really couldn't be happier for him!

So, the week had it's ups and downs. It definitely has left me a whirl-wind of emotions, but all in all, I think things happened the way they were supposed to. Now I'm just hoping for a less emotionally-trying week this week!

Needles, needles and more needles!

One of our kitchen counters has been converted to a make-shift pharmacy. One of the little shelves in the fridge is now dedicated to medications that have to be kept cold. I'm currently giving myself two shots in the abdomen every day (to be upped to three on Saturday - woo hoo!)

So as if I wasn't being exposed to enough needles right now, I've also started going to an acupuncturist.

Why, you may ask? Because the hundreds of successful IVF-ers I've been exposed to through books, discussion boards and support groups over the last few weeks swear by it. I've tried (and I use that term loosely) acupuncture one other time in my life. In college I was getting migraines pretty frequently and the doctor I was seeing was a (perhaps self-proclaimed, I'm not really sure) acupuncturist. I let him stick needles in me one time. It was uncomfortable, while not exactly painful and I wasn't a believer so I never let him do it again.

However, I've seen a lot more "proof" in acupuncture in the last few years and I have several people close to me who swear it has helped them with all kinds of different maladies, so I went into these sessions with a bit more of an open mind.

My take so far - I still find it mildly uncomfortable and I certainly don't get that totally relaxed feeling that many talk about, but it's tolerable and I figure it can't really hurt. The thing that has saved it for me this time around is that they have a clock on the wall that you can see from any of the treatment chairs. That way when they tell me that I should lay there and relax (with needles sticking out of me all over the place), I can at least occasionally open my eyes and glance at how much longer I have left. It's ridiculous how uncomfortable I am with acupuncture if I can't know how much longer I will be laying there. I guess this is a big sign that I'm not the poster child for eastern medicine. (But, in my defense, I have no problem laying on a massage table for an hour without seeing a clock....)

I've only been to a few sessions, so I'm hopeful that I will get to that zen state during acupuncture  but I'm just not sure I will. Regardless, I do believe that it can help with things like developing your lining and preparing your body for things like the embryo transfer so I'm dedicating to seeing it through. As I told Ryan, if I have to pump myself full of medicines for IVF - I'm going at it with all guns blazing!

So far, so good though. Initial thoughts from the doctor indicate that they don't think I will need too much follicle stimulation so (at least for now) I'm on a lower dose of meds. We'll see if that changes at my next appointment on Monday. Right now the abdomen shots are not too bad at all. I was much more worried about them than I needed to be (which is always the case, right?) Now the only one I'm worried about is the progesterone shots which I hear are horrible, but I have at least another week before I have to start those so I'll just try to put them out of mind for now!

Off to go make more donations to my sharps container!

Another roadblock anyone?

The last few weeks have been, well, busy in the world of infertility. Really since the end of November, it seems like every week brings with it a bit more bad news. Or maybe bad is not the best word - just another difficulty, or roadblock as I like to think of them.

At the beginning of the month, the plan was for IVF in February. By the end of the beginning of the 3rd week of January, IVF had been moved to April 1st and several new roadblocks had been put up. Then we went for a second opinion at a different clinic and we're back to a February IVF cycle. Back and forth, back and forth....

However, just tonight I got more not so great news that my egg quality and/or quantity may be less than stellar so they will need to up the amount of the stimulation medications they will use. Awesome! Like I wasn't already excited enough about the meds.... I know it's really not that bad (and I've actually heard the "after" meds - progesterone - are way worse than the before, but still.) And I do really trust that the new doctor will be monitoring me closely for response and adjusting accordingly, but it would truly be nice if something in this process wasn't more difficult than it was originally thought to be!

I also feel fairly confident in my assessment that IVF doctors are generally crazy. I know a lot of doctors are, but this group may have more than their fair share. The original guy I met with in definitely on my less than favorite list and the new one, while I do think he knows what he's doing and I really felt like he has a good protocol in place and listens to what you want, he has got to be one of the least professional people I've ever met in my life. But I will take that over the just totally creepy feeling I got from the first guy! I guess when you have the corner on a market like this, people will put up with a lot, but geez!

There are still more insurance questions to answer and more tests to be done, so I've learned to not count that we will be moving forward with IVF in February (even though it's only a week away!), but I'm also trying to stay cautiously optimistic and not loose hope completely. Hopefully the news tonight will be the last of it's kind for this week at least and maybe, just maybe, we'll get some better news - like we have our pre-approval from the insurance company!

Despite all the turmoil in that part of our life, we did get some AWESOME news last week - that Carl and Kathleen will be staying in St. Louis for the foreseeable future - and we're beyond happy about this. I had just started to give up faith that it would happen and there you go! So, I will keep the faith and believe that we can get past any roadblocks that come our way!

Punta Cana pics

While it wasn't the best week of my life (since I spent half of the week stuck in the hotel room puking), we still had a good time! Not nearly as many pictures as Costa Rica (of course we didn't do nearly as much on this trip either) but Punta Cana was a very pretty place and had there been different circumstances, I think we would have enjoyed it very much. Here are a few of our pictures from the week.

At the swim-up bar.

It was a very pretty beach. 

Nice blue water!

 The swim-up bar from a distance. Popular place.

My classic shot of my toes on the beach.

On one of our evening walks we found an unattended hammock. Ryan almost stayed there for the night.

The evenings were crazy windy!

I found a nice bed on the beach as well.

Playing with the tripod.

Our "king-size" bed. It was an odd concept. Even better, they were on wheels so the beds were always about a foot apart in the mornings. This was actually kind of useful when I got sick though - Ryan could keep his distance more easily!

Crafty kind of day

Ryan has been working all weekend, so I've been finding things to keep busy with. Yesterday I went hiking with the dogs to round out my ten miles of walking a week goal (which wasn't as easy this week since I was sick for a lot of it!) and had dinner with some girlfriends. Today the weather isn't quite as nice, so I decided to tackle a project I've been thinking about.

Upstairs, in our "dining room" we have a big blank wall behind the couch and I've been wanting to find something to eat up some of that space. Since it's a fairly large area, I felt like something big would be best, but I really didn't want to spend a lot of money.

While perusing Crate and Barrel after dinner last night I had an inspiration. Why not just find some fabric and make a wall hanging out of it.

So today, that is just what I did. I certainly didn't have perfect technique, but I think it works and wasn't hard at all. It took me longer to get it hung straight on the wall than to make it!

Before

Close-up

After

The year of the baby

I've been a negligent blogger here lately. Mostly that is because the majority of things flying around in my head these days I have been hesitant to put out into public domain. After a lot of thought though, I have decided that I will be a bit more open with what all is going on in my life and see how it feels from there. Many of you have started to hear the tales anyway!

2012, which Ryan and I have coined "the year of home improvements" has come to a close. And while we did many home improvements in 2012, we also were dealing with the beginnings of some infertility struggles. Most everyone will tell you that it can take a long time to get pregnant, that you have to be patient, etc. I buy all of that. And I did try to be patient (which, as many of you know, is not my strong suit.) However, this past March (roughly 8 months after I had gone off of birth control) I decided to switch doctors as I didn't care for my OBGYN particularly and wanted someone who may be a little quicker to see what was going on in the world of fertility.

The new doctor had a plan and it sounded like a decent one to me. Some blood tests to see where we were at and progressive levels of aggressiveness as time went on. So after a few months of post ovulation progesterone tests (which were most often low and occasionally borderline), the doctor started me on Clomid (which is apparently the drug of first defense for all things infertility.) Month after month, my numbers were not much different and after about 4 months, I was starting to get a little concerned with the route we were taking. I began asking more questions and trying to move things forward and was met with some resistance. Finally in November, our doctor agreed to do an IUI (inter uterine insemination) as he felt (finally) that this may improve our chances. However at the scheduled appointment it became clear that IUI and Clomid would not likely do the trick. So, in one fell swoop (or so it felt) that doctor washed his hands of us and sent us off to see a specialist.

I fervently wish we had started with a specialist earlier, but hindsight is 20/20. I basically feel that we wasted 6 months of drugging me up on Clomid. But, alas, there is nothing I can do about that.

Not being as ready to accept just any doctor this time, we've done a few consultations and I believe have landed with a fertility clinic that we feel pretty comfortable with. It seems to be clear that IVF (invitro fertilization - or the old time term, test-tube baby) is the best shot we have (which I had never even considered until about 1.5 months ago.) It seems so extreme, yet, as I've researched it more, I've learned that it would be used SO much more if more people had insurance coverage for it. Instead insurance companies don't cover it (or most fertility treatments) and people go into debt trying to have a family. Luckily, my insurance company does cover IVF (a fact that I feel utterly blessed for). Don't get me wrong, it's still costly, but the insurance makes it more affordable than adoption (which is another sad commentary on our time.)

So now we're on the exciting (and super frustrating) journey of insurance approvals and tests galore. If my insurance approves the recommended treatment, we will likely move forward with an IVF egg retrieval date in mid-February, which seems ridiculously fast and yet not fast enough at the same time. At this point I am honestly keeping my fingers crossed that we are able to move forward with this as the back and forth is driving me crazy. (Even as I type this the superstitious streak in me flares up and says "you'll jinx it if you write about it.") I never thought I would look forward to IVF treatments, but we're ready to get this show on the road.  

As the journey has continued I've noticed a big need in myself to share everything that's going on. I think about it constantly and it makes me feel a little less crazy to speak with others about it, rather than keeping it all internal. I hope that this blog will not turn in to infertility posts alone, but I do hope that it gives me a forum to share the updates, the struggles and (hopefully) the successes as they come.

So, as we kick off a new year, Ryan and I have dubbed 2013 "the year of the baby." While there are no guarantees, we'll be giving it our best shot and we'll certainly appreciate all the positive thoughts and energy you can send our way.

Oh, and next week, we'll be on the sandy beach in the Dominican Republic so don't worry - those posts should be much less deep! :-)